An "A ha" Moment

Things were starting to deteriorate again lately. Sticking to two meals a day was becoming way more difficult than I could handle. I was losing my motivation again. My clothes have really been bothering me lately. At my current size, most of my tops are a tad too small across the chest, just enough to make me miserable. I don't want to go out and find larger tops, so I continue to live with these slightly too small tops, like I have been for years (except last year when I dropped 38 pounds).

Yesterday, I was wearing one of these slightly too-small tops and I was checking out the progress of construction on one of my projects, a remodel of our community pool building. I was checking out the paint in the mens' restroom when I was struck by a sight that nearly knocked me off my feet. It was my own image in a very large mirror.

Now, I see myself in the mirror every day, but it's funny how our mind adjusts our perception of ourselves to an acceptable image. Every morning my mind altered what I was seeing so that I could function happily through the day. But what I saw yesterday really shocked me. I couldn't believe how fat that person was in the mirror that was staring back at me. I just wanted to go hide somewhere and not let anyone see me. I was in complete denial that that was what I really looked like. It was so scary, I had an "aha" moment. All kinds of crazy thoughts ran through my head. Could I sneak away somewhere for a couple of months and starve myself? Maybe I should work out for hours at a time and reduce my caloric intake to 700 a day. I felt the urge to react desperately and quickly.

But, sloughing off an extra 100 plus pounds just doesn't happen overnight. It took years to get here and it will take months, if not years, to change. I am starting to recover from yesterday's shock, but a part of me doesn't want to. If I dwell on it too much, I could fall into a depression. If I don't, I may continue on this unsustainable path. It's a bit like walking a tightrope.

Last night I attempted to exercise. My elliptical machine is off balance and makes a horrid noise when being used. I was really upset. Then my youngest urged me to take her for a walk after dark. It was fun and we just did a few blocks around the neighborhood. At least it was something. Today I recorded my meals. I am not going to try and starve myself. I will just have to continue functioning, knowing how I look to the world. If I keep making progress, that will have to satisfy me.

For now, I am still down 10 pounds from my all-time high and up 28 pounds from last year's loss.